Nuffnang!

Friday, January 6, 2017

Thyroid. Cancer. - The big day

So, on the 2nd of june, nurse dah cakap siap2, around 2.30pm camtu aku kena siap dengan gown hospital tu la... Last time aku boleh makan is pukul 7.30am.. So bangun pepagi tu dalam keadaan yang mamai campur dengan nervous, bangunlah daku untuk breakfast sikit. Tak seleraaaaaa... Knowing that i don't know whether i'm gonna wake up and see my son or not.

So time tu Dila memang ada. Dia kan tido situ. Then relax relax a bit. Pagi tu kebetulan ada visitor. Tak lah boring sangat. Hilang la jugak nervous tu. Buahahaha... Khalis, Yan, Zul and also si kecik Sephia. Not long after that, Kuchai pun datang. Tak sangkaaa... Tanjat iolls... So meriah la kejap dalam bilik tu... Dah sembang pung pang pung pang, time tu around 12 something kot because they all wanna chow chin chow for lunch.

Tetiba after that, nurse masuk. Around 1pm if not mistaken. Dah siap bagi gown for operation room. Dia kata pukul 2 camtu boleh ready kan? Dah tu bagi awal2, harusla tanjat.. Then nurse said, takpe siap awal... Ok foine... But still... I don't want to show it to my family how nervous I was at that particular moment..
Around 2, or 2 something I can't really remember (ni la padahnya bila blog lebih kurang 6 months after.. bahahaha), nurse masuk. Oh, time ni mama dah sampai.. Dia cakap, "okay, kita tolak pergi OT ye". Kengkonon gelak gelak ngan Dila tunjuk kuat. I'm really not okay inside. NOT OKAY.

It's tiring to show that you are OKAY when you are actually NOT.

So dah bye bye Dila, and I thought Mama tak ikut, then Mama cakap, she wanted to send me to the OT. I have mix feeling at that time. So bila baring atas katil tu and they push you to the OT, ontheway tu kan you for sure will look up sebab tengah baring kan. Exactly macam dalam movies boleh??? Sebab lampu tu kan berderet kan so it was like zupp zuppp zupppp zuppp zupppp ha gitteww siap bagi sound effect lagi. Sila bayangkan sendiri.
So memang sepanjang tu aku diam baring situ. Once reach OT, masuk2 je, Mama cakap, "Okaylah, Mama pergi dulu. Selawat banyak2. InsyaAllah takde pape". Masa tu kau takyah cakap banyak. Macam air terjun aku dah mata aku. Masa salam Mama pun yang aku ingat, Mika. Macam mana la Mika kalau aku tak bangun. Then nurse datang tanya detail, aku mampu angguk geleng je. Memang takleh cakap dah. I really need someone at that time. Someone I can hug and cry on to. But I don't have anyone. No one.

Then the nurse push me at one side. Macam waiting corner la. Aku mampu mengucap, selawat. Tu je. Dalam kepala aku memang dah tak boleh proses apa2. Aku ingat Mika je. Dia je dalam kepala aku. Perasaan takut tu, Allah je yang tau. Aku memang berserah kat Allah je. Takut sangat sebab tak pernah dalam hidup aku masuk operation room. Tak pernah operation pun sepanjang hidup. Tengah layan perasaan, sekali tetiba nurse bukak langsir tu.
Dia kata, "Okay, jom. Kita tolak masuk ye". Ayat dia yang pendek tu cukup buat aku terLost kejap. Dah la tu, siap kena bahan "Laaaaaaa.. nangis keeee.... kenapa nangis? Takde pape la insyaAllah".

Nangis ke dia tanya aku? Kenapa nangis dia tanya aku??? Kalau la otak aku boleh brain time tu, nak aje aku flying kick dia dengan soalan2 dia sekali. Huh.

But,
The moment dia tolak aku from waiting area tu until la aku padam, memang cepat. Sangat cepat. Dia tolak aku masuk bilik OT tu, aku sempat toleh. Semua orang dah ready. Aku nampak katil yang macam dalam movie tu. Aku nampak benda benda alah diorang nak guna untuk cut aku. Tiba2 abang tu suruh aku alih from current katil to THE katil. Ramai dalam tu. Semua pakai mask so memang aku tak recognize muka diorang. Diorang macam laju gila buat keje sorang sana sorang sini. Dah aku baring tu, bantal aku just ada this one kind of jelly ke rubber ke mende tah untuk aku letak kepala. Suddenly, "Hi Aileeza. Everything will be okay. Your CT scan show no other cancer cells in your lung and chest. So you no need to worry." It's Dr. Harjit gais. Rupa dia sama je dengan nurse2 dalam tu. Sebab semua pakai mask kan, mana la aku tau mana doctor mana nurse.

Then, yang aku ingat.
"Okay, tangan letak sini."
"Okay, kita akan masuk ubat bius ni eh. Akan rasa sakit sikit sebab dia pekat."
Zzzzuuupppp... Sumpah macam kena electrical shock sakit dia tu.
"Okay, kita tido eh. Tarik nafas dalam2. Breathe."

Tu je ayat last yang aku dengar. Aku sempat gelabah kejap sebab aku tak suka apa2 yang block pernafasan aku. That thing kinda betul2 fit kat hidung aku so aku tak suka. Aku akan jadi panic macam can't breath.

That's the last word I remember. The last thing I saw was the light. The last thing I recite was mengucap dua kalimah syahadah.



And I can't remember when actually I fell asleep.
I can't remember how many seconds until I close my eyes.
But,
knowing that my son will be in a good hands jika ditakdirkan aku tak bangun and so I put my faith in Him.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Thyroid. Cancer. - The process starts.

So, orang 1st yang aku bagitau was Kak Ila. Mama, of course dia akan bagitau Papa. Sampai la sebelum Kak Ila call aku, aku tak nangis. Even bila doc drop the Cancer bomb, aku still tak nangis sebab Mama ada, Bukan sebab malu, tapi sebab nak tunjuk kat Mama, aku okay. Aku kuat. Dalam kepala aku just Mika. Dengan all the things that happened, now aku dapat ni pulak. Dugaan. Macam mana la anak aku nanti. Aku tau family aku ada but, it's not the same. Deep down, aku tau Allah akan tolong aku. Because of what is happening to us now. Aku tau Allah ada dengan aku. Untuk tolong aku untuk selalu ada dengan Mika sampai aku tua nanti, InsyaAllah. Tapi, kita tak boleh lawan takdir. Kita tatau apa akan jadi. But when Kak Ila called, soalan pertama dia, "adik serious ke main2 ni?". Bila aku bagitau dia, ni tak main2, There, dalam kereta aku dah dengar dah. That's the time aku pun sama nangis. Dalam kepala kitorang is Mika.

So the next day is obviously Saturday, which means, peak day at IKEA. Pagi tu aku sampai, aku diam. Aku tak bagitau sape2 lagi kecuali Abg Syahrul, through whatsapp. Aku nampak Smita. Dia kan type happy go lucky so dia macam, "so babe. What is the result". Aku tak nangis lagi. Bila aku cakap benda tu cancer. Dia terdiam. Kitorang terduduk. Then she asked me, "how come you look so calm. It's cancer babe!" Aku just cakap, what do you want me to do? Kat situ aku dah berair sikit dah. Then dia paksa suruh aku bagitau Laurens. Aku cakap nanti dulu sebab haritu hari sabtu. Aku tau aku akan jadi jiwa kacau kalau cakap dengan Laurens. Then bila masuk floor, nampak Kuchai. Bila Kuchai tanya, "kau pehal muka macam taik", bila aku bagitau Kuchai, dia terdiam. Terduduk kitorang kat situ. Dia cakap, "Aku ni memang huu haa huu haa jugak ja tapi bila kau nangis bab bab camni, kau akan buat aku nangis. So stop la weyh."

Then lepas briefing, out of sudden, Laurens datang kat aku, "So Leeza, what's up?" Aku macam terkejut. Kenapa dia selalu tau yang something is wrong with me. Bila aku bagitau dia. Dia terkejut. His face was, priceless. Aku tak pernah ada boss camni. Dia cakap sorry, dia kata take your time, take as much leave as you want, I will ask Syahrul to hire more people, you can go back home early, we will take care of you, the company will take care of you. Bila aku nangis, he couldn't even look at me. Because muka dia pun macam nak nangis and I know he wanted to hug me at that time but we're at work, dekat floor pulak tu. He is so supportive and rupanya after that, he went straight to HR to tell them to take care of me and try to provide everything that they could! Aku taktau pun dia jumpa HR terus. Masa aku nak pi toilet to wash my ugly face, HR jumpa aku. Memang burst lagi sekali la. Dalam kepala aku just Mika. Tapi aku wondering camne Laurens boleh tetiba nak cakap ngan aku. Rupanya Smita dah pergi kat dia awal2, "You got to talk to Leeza, boss". So bila dah bagitau orang2 yang sepatutnya, well of course, news spread. But not to every single person la. Dah handover kerja semua tu ni tu ni, the time comes.

Aku kena admitted to the hospital on the 1st of June. 1 day before the operation. Sebab dia nak buat CT scan kat aku to detect if there's any cancer cell somewhere else. According to Dr. Harjit, yang paling senang dia nak spread is lung. So that's why dia nak make sure dulu ada ke cancer cells kat tempat lain. If ada, it will light up in the result. So, the CT scan tu, aku ingat masuk yang dalam tunnel yang besar tu yang macam dalam movie tu kan. Tapi dia sebenarnya macam gelung camne tah nak explain. Kau baring then dia tolak through the thing and kau kena ikut la breathing instruction dia bagai semua.


Gambar ihsan dari Mr.Google

So sebenarnya aku agak nervous. Sebab taktau la pebenda kau akan rasa. Then diorang cakap kena hold breath semua so lagi la aku saspennnnnnn... hahahaha... mind over matters lah seperti biasa... So bila dah masuk bilik tu, diorang suruh kau baring... Then diorang akan masukkan cast... i hope i spell it right... benda tu ubat... dia cucuk masuk kan air ubat tu, then effect dia kau akan rasa panas like the whole body rasa panas gila kat dalam... i really can't explain... no wonder diorang suruh aku puasa 4 hours before... sebab ubat tu akan buat kau nak muntah because panas dalam tu... panas dia kau boleh rasa dia mengalir dari kepala turun ke bawah and bila sampai dekat miss V kau, kau tetiba rasa "woooooo"... hahahahahaha... nak terkencing mak.... Mama cerita, aku untung takyah minum cast tu... Time Papa dulu, dia kena minum... Memang nak muntah... Tapi aku dia cucuk... Legaaaaaa... Aku ni dah la kalau bab2 minum ni memang failed... So after dah settle semua CT scan tu, aku just have to wait the next day. The big operation day.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Thyroid. Cancer. - The discovery.

For some people yang tau, yes, I've been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Cancer.

For some people, thyroid cancer is nothing. But for me, well, kau been diagnosed with cancer. Of course, kau akan automatically takut. Well, my dad have cancer history. Lung cancer. My late aunty, arwah Cik Ini, ada thyroid cancer. Aku tak sure samada semua ni ada kaitan or not sebab doctor said thyroid is normal among young woman. But, I'm still worried about Mika. Doctor cakap, there's no effect to Mika, yet, but we can only know after he turns 15. I just hope, he didn't get any of this. I only have him in my life.

How I found out?
Well, actually few years back, aku ada rasa ketulan dekat leher. Lama dah. Tapi, masa tu, lump kat leher ni kecik lagi so aku ingat it's nothing sebab dia sekecik kecik guli. Maybe benda biasa2 kot. Then around bulan May, benda ni tiba2 menganggu fikiran aku. Sebelum ni tak menganggu fikiran pun tau. Tapi aku dah rasa benda ni makin membesar. Masa tak menganggu fikiran, takpe lagi. Tapi bila dia dah kacau concentration kau, of course, that is the time that kau kena check! Sebab bila aku raba2 kat leher, aku macam automatically cakap kat member aku, "eh babe, look!" Kawan aku time tu buat lawak kata aku ada halkum.

Actually aku pun melawak benda yang sama jugak kata aku ada halkum. Kahkahkah. Tapi dah terbukti tak ada dengan adanya Mika ye. Tapi, mulut dia lagi jilake tau, dia kata "thyroid cancer kot, babe". That time aku taktau pun ada wujudnya benda tu. I mean, penyakit tu. Then benda ni tergantung lagi. After few days, aku pun macam saja2 cakap kat Mama, "Ma, tengok ni. Leher adik macam ada benda". Then Mama pun, "haa... pergi check la". So aku pun still delay lagi. Sebab apa asyik delay? Sebab aku tak rasa sakit. At all. Tapi kau rasa benda tu ada kat situ, but dia tak sakit apa. Appetite aku still macam biasa, sebab tu makin kembang semangkuk. Telan air liur semua memang normal. Kau makan pelahap pun still okay. Dia tak kacau kau except for visibility dia la.

So, there's 1 day, setelah dibising2 oleh semua orang untuk pergi check, lepas benda ni macam betul2 dah menghantui bila aku tiap hari raba leher, so aku pun pergi clinic dulu untuk check. Check dan check dan check, doctor cakap, "ni thyroid nodule ni.. kena refer hospital". Masa tu aku macam blur2, "apa benda tu" and takdela pulak aku tanya banyak. So lepas dia bagi surat to refer hospital, aku check dulu dengan insurance company. Of course, preferably dekat pcmc la sebab dah biasa dengan sini plus Mama pun kerja sini plus i don't think so family aku suruh pergi hospital lain plus Mama dah kenal doctor ke apa ke kat sini so senang. (ceceyyyyyyy. padahalllll). Then, bermula lah episode "there goes my life". (kahkahkah. OVER). Actually, everything is quite fast. Dari date yang aku check dekat clinic, towards date operation, estimated dalam sebulan. Tak sampai sebulan rasanya tapi +/- la.

1st doctor - Dr. Shamin.
Aku cerita kat doctor that I have this lump few years back tapi rasa macam benda ni membesar. Doctor rasa2 benda tu. Muka dia, hmmmmm... Muka dia macam mengatakan I need further check up dengan blood test bagai semua untuk tengok apa ke bendanya tu. So she sent me to another doctor to do a biopsy. Which, according to her, tak semua orang dia hantar to buat biopsy ni tapi certain2 case yang memerlukan dia check lebih deep, yes, dia hantar buat biopsy.

Apa tu biopsy?
Biopsy tu is a test which diorang take sample, in my case, sample nodule aku ni, to send to lab to check apa bendanya ni. Blood test semua opkos lah kan. Procedure dia? KAU DALAM KEADAAN SEDAR, DIA CUCUK JARUM DEKAT LEHER KAU UNTUK TAKE SAMPLE NODULE YANG BERADA DITENGAH2 LEHER KAU TU. Sakit tak? Nakharom kau ingat tak sakit ke? Sebab kau sedar! Over kan. So, yes. Sakit, sebab that time aku selsema pulak tu. Bila kena baring tu, kepala kau macam kebelakang sikit sebab doc nak stretch kan leher kau bagi straight. Well, common sense la jugak kan sebab easier for her la to take the sample. Akan tetapi, ye tuan tuan dan puan puan, akan tetapi, the lump is actually dah keras. A non dangerous nodule ada yang lembut and tak perlu dirisaukan, tapi aku punya dah keras. So the doc had difficult time jugak nak reach tu 1 hal sebab aku selsema and I'm not allowed to swallow. Kau sedar and cannot swallow, kau rasa??? 2nd hal sebab benda tu keras. So doc susah nak cucuk benda tu. Banyak kali jugak la dia keluar masuk jarum just to take the sample. Oh yes, of course dia numb kan dekat leher aku but that does not helping at all, because I can't swallow! So after finally dapat jugak sample on I don't know how many attempt, after that baru aku rasa sakit dekat situ. Leher macam bengkak sikit but I survived!

The result.
A week later, the result came out. Sebenarnya aku punya appoinment was on tuesday which ngam ngam a week la but then, Mama jenis tak sabaq nak tau... Hihihi... Bila dia check, result dah came out, so dia mintak nak jumpa doc cepat. So luckily pulak that Friday aku cuti so Mama suruh datang jugak jumpa. Dah alang2 kata dia. So when I came in, Dr. Shamin's face was not convincing. Was not, hmmmm... how to put it this way, merisaukan aku lah wey! Tapi dia tatap sinyum... Oh, she's very lembut and baik and all. So, she's actually trying to find a better word to explained to me bila aku pop terus question, is it cancerous? Dia diam and senyum and said, "Well, we doctors have to be very careful with our words. Your thyroid nodule is not normal." There. Aku tau dah waktu tu even though dia belum spill the beans yet. And then dia explain that my thyroid reading is higher than the usual, and I have to see Dr. Harjit so that she can explain better to me and I have to go through the operation stuff thingy, and she said that, "We gotta remove it, ASAP. Everything. Before it grows bigger and disturb other nerves". She said to me, "Please do not google anything. Trust us. We will take care of you.". Dia kata, "I won't give you the report yet for you to read. Let's see Dr. Harjit first". Then she said dia try to reach Dr. Harjit but tak boleh. Dr. Harjit ada banyak sangat patients. Then Mama kata, it's okay, we will go to her clinic to see the nurses there, dia ada ke tak.

Hikmah hari jumaat aku rasa. Masa sampai clinic tu, yes, Dr. Harjit memang full sampai ke petang, but luckily, the nurse got 1 slot to squeeze me in. Alhamdulillah. Walaupun aku kena tunggu sampai petang, which aku datang dari pagi, tapi untuk dapat Doc yang memang pack schedule dia, aku sanggup tunggu la. So lepak makan pe semua, nasib baik bawak buku. Dah sampai masa tu, masuk lah aku dan Mama ke biik Dr. Harjit.

Told her what happened. She read the biopsy result. Oh, ada word TUMOR dalam result tu ye. So, doc buat scan, and she said, "The big 1 is on the left, clearly, and there's a small2 lymph nodes on the right side". Aku terkejut la bila aku dapat tau there's actually more than 1. Her words was lymph nodes. Aku ngak tau apa itu semua waktu ituuuuuuuu...... So dia cakap, okay, i'm going to remove everything... the thyroid gland, the lymph nodes, the tumor, bla bla bla. Aku sebenarnya dah blur. Kau dengar kat telinga kau tumor. Memang otak kau tak boleh brain dah. I don't want Mom to hear that but she's there. So doc checked schedule dia.. Ya ampun, memang betul... Dia pack! So the date available for the operation was, 31st May and 2nd June. Aku taktau kenapa aku choose 2nd June. Maybe because that's the date yang dah lepas anniversary Mama and Papa and also mine. Takde kaitan pun kan tapi aku just nak lepas date2 yang penting tu even though takde buat pape.