Nuffnang!

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Thyroid. Cancer. - The Recovery

So, here we are again. Sambung cerita iolls yang dah basi ni. Sudi ke nak baca? Kahkahkah... Okay, marilah.

So, my surgery was a success (well, obviously lah kan kalau tak siapa yang nak bercerita ni haaaa... jengjengjeng). It was 3 hours long. Erm, mesti ada yang cakap, alahhh... 3 jam je pong... Ikut suka hang lah nak cakap apa pun kan... For me, 3 jam yang menakutkan...

The moment aku tersedar, yang aku ingat, I was coughing. Tetiba je batuk then muntah kahak... I was at recovery room... Aku terbukak mata sikit and straight way "Alhamdulillah, syukur Ya Allah.". And suddenly nurse datang panggil nama aku while he/she vacuum the phlegm. Lepas aku muntah tu, ada la incident yang memalukan terjadi tapi tak perlu la kot nak cerita kat sini... Kahkahkah...

First thing I felt, leher aku. Rasa tight. Very very tight. Aku tak comfortable, AT ALL. Pain and tight at the same time. It's hard to describe. Time tu rasa nak nangis sangat2 because I can't speak. Taktau nak explain kat nurse macam mana. Then nurse cakap nak tolak aku pergi bilik. I was helplessly on the bed when he/she pushed me.

When I reached my room, aku memang tak larat nak bukak mata but I heard everything. Apa yang diorang sembangkan. Siapa bagi bunga, yang datang stay dekat bilik sampai malam, yang baru datang, yang berdiri dekat pintu, yang sembang dengan papa, yang sembang dengan mama.. I heard everything but I just can't open my eyes. But I remember, I was crying. Sebab tak selesa and I don't know how to tell people. Yang keluar dari mulut aku was "sakit...sakit...tak selesa...sakit". Sedih sebab kau helpless sangat and you don't have a partner untuk jaga kau. Only your family.

This was me at the moment I entered the room, Trying to find my comfy spot.

This was me when I cried saying that I'm not comfortable and Dila gave me her bantal busuk. Kayyyy. You probably can see that I'm in pain.

And this was me after Kak Ila bring the neck pillow and I felt much better.

*all of the pictures above taken by Dila tanpa ku mengetahuinya. Sebab tu selekeh nak mampos je tu*

Suara yang aku ingat, yang datang after the surgery, regardless stay lama or tak, Azli, Is, Cici, Ieqa, Wandy, Azlan, Aswad, Ramli, Aiman, Kak Ila, Kecik and maybe ada lagi but I can't remember. My family was there except Kakyin sebab dia kena jaga Mika kat rumah. The nurses tak bagi bawak Mika lagi takut dia nak dekat aku and I was not that strong at that time. Time Ieqa nak balik, she said something to me. "ni ieqa, ieqa datang ni." That time aku dengar but I couldn't answer her and I was crying and my dad wiped my tears. Tu yang paling aku ingat sebab time tu kau rasa Allah Maha Kuasa and you felt so tiny as his servants. Aku nak sangat tengok muka2 yang datang melawat aku and personally say thank you to them. Honestly, I feel like I'm dying. Really.

After semua balik, only left Dila with me, aku baru boleh bukak mata. And aku rasa there's something on my neck. Rupanya, ada tube. The tube, doc put inside my neck untuk darah keluar ke camne tah, I wanted to go to the toilet to pee.
This is the crucial part.
I could not sit up straight. Sebab leher aku terlalu tight, You know, when you want to straighten your neck macam nak bagi relief kan, so aku memang tak boleh. Kau akan rasa mencekik sangat sangat. Macam ada orang cekik kau, Dila panggil nurse because that time was my first attempt to get up. Dia takut aku pening and jatuh. So the nurse help me. Time tu baru aku sedar yang suara aku tak ada. Allah, time tu aku takut and sedih sangat sebab kau rasa macam kau helpless and menyusahkan orang.

Nurse tolong slow2 untuk aku bangun but aku macam kena tunduk la. I can't straighten my neck remember? And the tube bag on your neck pulak kau kena pegang and the nurse papah sampai toilet. So she helped me and show the right way to sit down to pee and so on. But still, sepanjang masa kau nak tido balik, all the time you feel like somebody is choking you. Really. So the nurse helped me to get back to the bed and Dila pun tolong aku change the gown and so on, baru lah aku dapat tido dengan selesa. Nope, tube only for the neck, not for my bladder.

And I was in the hospital for 7-8 days, I can't remember. I got no voice. Husky voice. Tight on the neck all the time and there was a time aku macam kena panic attack because I felt like I can't breathe. Sampai nurse datang check oxygen but I was fine, Rupanya because the tissue in my neck is trying to recover so that is why aku keep on rasa macam can't breathe. Oh, the doctor open up my neck sampai dagu just so you know :p

Another thing that happened was, aku selalu rasa kebas. Kebas kaki, tangan and muka. It was funny because kebas kau tu buat sampai kau cramp. Never had that before. Aku tak pernah dapat cramp except time pregnant. Then I asked the doctor rupanya It's the after effect of the removal of the thyroid gland. Sampaikan aku kena drip 3-4 bags of calcium. Sebabkan calcium level aku dropped, nurse had to take blood sample dekat aku 3times everyday sampai aku discharge. Yes. Everyday. So imagine urat2 aku sampai dah keras and aku dah start sakit. Why everyday? My calcium reading tak consistent. Why is it so important to monitor my calcium level?
Because I could get cardiac arrest.
And that scares me.

There's alot more to story but I'm sleepy. Will continue again. Itu pun kalau korang nak baca lagi. Toodles~~~

P/S - rasa macam grammar carca merba sangat ni. Please ignore. Please don't be the english police now. AND. aku bukan king coco krunch. This is just the way I blog. Tak suka takyah baca. Pi main jejauh sana.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Thyroid. Cancer. - The big day

So, on the 2nd of june, nurse dah cakap siap2, around 2.30pm camtu aku kena siap dengan gown hospital tu la... Last time aku boleh makan is pukul 7.30am.. So bangun pepagi tu dalam keadaan yang mamai campur dengan nervous, bangunlah daku untuk breakfast sikit. Tak seleraaaaaa... Knowing that i don't know whether i'm gonna wake up and see my son or not.

So time tu Dila memang ada. Dia kan tido situ. Then relax relax a bit. Pagi tu kebetulan ada visitor. Tak lah boring sangat. Hilang la jugak nervous tu. Buahahaha... Khalis, Yan, Zul and also si kecik Sephia. Not long after that, Kuchai pun datang. Tak sangkaaa... Tanjat iolls... So meriah la kejap dalam bilik tu... Dah sembang pung pang pung pang, time tu around 12 something kot because they all wanna chow chin chow for lunch.

Tetiba after that, nurse masuk. Around 1pm if not mistaken. Dah siap bagi gown for operation room. Dia kata pukul 2 camtu boleh ready kan? Dah tu bagi awal2, harusla tanjat.. Then nurse said, takpe siap awal... Ok foine... But still... I don't want to show it to my family how nervous I was at that particular moment..
Around 2, or 2 something I can't really remember (ni la padahnya bila blog lebih kurang 6 months after.. bahahaha), nurse masuk. Oh, time ni mama dah sampai.. Dia cakap, "okay, kita tolak pergi OT ye". Kengkonon gelak gelak ngan Dila tunjuk kuat. I'm really not okay inside. NOT OKAY.

It's tiring to show that you are OKAY when you are actually NOT.

So dah bye bye Dila, and I thought Mama tak ikut, then Mama cakap, she wanted to send me to the OT. I have mix feeling at that time. So bila baring atas katil tu and they push you to the OT, ontheway tu kan you for sure will look up sebab tengah baring kan. Exactly macam dalam movies boleh??? Sebab lampu tu kan berderet kan so it was like zupp zuppp zupppp zuppp zupppp ha gitteww siap bagi sound effect lagi. Sila bayangkan sendiri.
So memang sepanjang tu aku diam baring situ. Once reach OT, masuk2 je, Mama cakap, "Okaylah, Mama pergi dulu. Selawat banyak2. InsyaAllah takde pape". Masa tu kau takyah cakap banyak. Macam air terjun aku dah mata aku. Masa salam Mama pun yang aku ingat, Mika. Macam mana la Mika kalau aku tak bangun. Then nurse datang tanya detail, aku mampu angguk geleng je. Memang takleh cakap dah. I really need someone at that time. Someone I can hug and cry on to. But I don't have anyone. No one.

Then the nurse push me at one side. Macam waiting corner la. Aku mampu mengucap, selawat. Tu je. Dalam kepala aku memang dah tak boleh proses apa2. Aku ingat Mika je. Dia je dalam kepala aku. Perasaan takut tu, Allah je yang tau. Aku memang berserah kat Allah je. Takut sangat sebab tak pernah dalam hidup aku masuk operation room. Tak pernah operation pun sepanjang hidup. Tengah layan perasaan, sekali tetiba nurse bukak langsir tu.
Dia kata, "Okay, jom. Kita tolak masuk ye". Ayat dia yang pendek tu cukup buat aku terLost kejap. Dah la tu, siap kena bahan "Laaaaaaa.. nangis keeee.... kenapa nangis? Takde pape la insyaAllah".

Nangis ke dia tanya aku? Kenapa nangis dia tanya aku??? Kalau la otak aku boleh brain time tu, nak aje aku flying kick dia dengan soalan2 dia sekali. Huh.

But,
The moment dia tolak aku from waiting area tu until la aku padam, memang cepat. Sangat cepat. Dia tolak aku masuk bilik OT tu, aku sempat toleh. Semua orang dah ready. Aku nampak katil yang macam dalam movie tu. Aku nampak benda benda alah diorang nak guna untuk cut aku. Tiba2 abang tu suruh aku alih from current katil to THE katil. Ramai dalam tu. Semua pakai mask so memang aku tak recognize muka diorang. Diorang macam laju gila buat keje sorang sana sorang sini. Dah aku baring tu, bantal aku just ada this one kind of jelly ke rubber ke mende tah untuk aku letak kepala. Suddenly, "Hi Aileeza. Everything will be okay. Your CT scan show no other cancer cells in your lung and chest. So you no need to worry." It's Dr. Harjit gais. Rupa dia sama je dengan nurse2 dalam tu. Sebab semua pakai mask kan, mana la aku tau mana doctor mana nurse.

Then, yang aku ingat.
"Okay, tangan letak sini."
"Okay, kita akan masuk ubat bius ni eh. Akan rasa sakit sikit sebab dia pekat."
Zzzzuuupppp... Sumpah macam kena electrical shock sakit dia tu.
"Okay, kita tido eh. Tarik nafas dalam2. Breathe."

Tu je ayat last yang aku dengar. Aku sempat gelabah kejap sebab aku tak suka apa2 yang block pernafasan aku. That thing kinda betul2 fit kat hidung aku so aku tak suka. Aku akan jadi panic macam can't breath.

That's the last word I remember. The last thing I saw was the light. The last thing I recite was mengucap dua kalimah syahadah.



And I can't remember when actually I fell asleep.
I can't remember how many seconds until I close my eyes.
But,
knowing that my son will be in a good hands jika ditakdirkan aku tak bangun and so I put my faith in Him.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Thyroid. Cancer. - The process starts.

So, orang 1st yang aku bagitau was Kak Ila. Mama, of course dia akan bagitau Papa. Sampai la sebelum Kak Ila call aku, aku tak nangis. Even bila doc drop the Cancer bomb, aku still tak nangis sebab Mama ada, Bukan sebab malu, tapi sebab nak tunjuk kat Mama, aku okay. Aku kuat. Dalam kepala aku just Mika. Dengan all the things that happened, now aku dapat ni pulak. Dugaan. Macam mana la anak aku nanti. Aku tau family aku ada but, it's not the same. Deep down, aku tau Allah akan tolong aku. Because of what is happening to us now. Aku tau Allah ada dengan aku. Untuk tolong aku untuk selalu ada dengan Mika sampai aku tua nanti, InsyaAllah. Tapi, kita tak boleh lawan takdir. Kita tatau apa akan jadi. But when Kak Ila called, soalan pertama dia, "adik serious ke main2 ni?". Bila aku bagitau dia, ni tak main2, There, dalam kereta aku dah dengar dah. That's the time aku pun sama nangis. Dalam kepala kitorang is Mika.

So the next day is obviously Saturday, which means, peak day at IKEA. Pagi tu aku sampai, aku diam. Aku tak bagitau sape2 lagi kecuali Abg Syahrul, through whatsapp. Aku nampak Smita. Dia kan type happy go lucky so dia macam, "so babe. What is the result". Aku tak nangis lagi. Bila aku cakap benda tu cancer. Dia terdiam. Kitorang terduduk. Then she asked me, "how come you look so calm. It's cancer babe!" Aku just cakap, what do you want me to do? Kat situ aku dah berair sikit dah. Then dia paksa suruh aku bagitau Laurens. Aku cakap nanti dulu sebab haritu hari sabtu. Aku tau aku akan jadi jiwa kacau kalau cakap dengan Laurens. Then bila masuk floor, nampak Kuchai. Bila Kuchai tanya, "kau pehal muka macam taik", bila aku bagitau Kuchai, dia terdiam. Terduduk kitorang kat situ. Dia cakap, "Aku ni memang huu haa huu haa jugak ja tapi bila kau nangis bab bab camni, kau akan buat aku nangis. So stop la weyh."

Then lepas briefing, out of sudden, Laurens datang kat aku, "So Leeza, what's up?" Aku macam terkejut. Kenapa dia selalu tau yang something is wrong with me. Bila aku bagitau dia. Dia terkejut. His face was, priceless. Aku tak pernah ada boss camni. Dia cakap sorry, dia kata take your time, take as much leave as you want, I will ask Syahrul to hire more people, you can go back home early, we will take care of you, the company will take care of you. Bila aku nangis, he couldn't even look at me. Because muka dia pun macam nak nangis and I know he wanted to hug me at that time but we're at work, dekat floor pulak tu. He is so supportive and rupanya after that, he went straight to HR to tell them to take care of me and try to provide everything that they could! Aku taktau pun dia jumpa HR terus. Masa aku nak pi toilet to wash my ugly face, HR jumpa aku. Memang burst lagi sekali la. Dalam kepala aku just Mika. Tapi aku wondering camne Laurens boleh tetiba nak cakap ngan aku. Rupanya Smita dah pergi kat dia awal2, "You got to talk to Leeza, boss". So bila dah bagitau orang2 yang sepatutnya, well of course, news spread. But not to every single person la. Dah handover kerja semua tu ni tu ni, the time comes.

Aku kena admitted to the hospital on the 1st of June. 1 day before the operation. Sebab dia nak buat CT scan kat aku to detect if there's any cancer cell somewhere else. According to Dr. Harjit, yang paling senang dia nak spread is lung. So that's why dia nak make sure dulu ada ke cancer cells kat tempat lain. If ada, it will light up in the result. So, the CT scan tu, aku ingat masuk yang dalam tunnel yang besar tu yang macam dalam movie tu kan. Tapi dia sebenarnya macam gelung camne tah nak explain. Kau baring then dia tolak through the thing and kau kena ikut la breathing instruction dia bagai semua.


Gambar ihsan dari Mr.Google

So sebenarnya aku agak nervous. Sebab taktau la pebenda kau akan rasa. Then diorang cakap kena hold breath semua so lagi la aku saspennnnnnn... hahahaha... mind over matters lah seperti biasa... So bila dah masuk bilik tu, diorang suruh kau baring... Then diorang akan masukkan cast... i hope i spell it right... benda tu ubat... dia cucuk masuk kan air ubat tu, then effect dia kau akan rasa panas like the whole body rasa panas gila kat dalam... i really can't explain... no wonder diorang suruh aku puasa 4 hours before... sebab ubat tu akan buat kau nak muntah because panas dalam tu... panas dia kau boleh rasa dia mengalir dari kepala turun ke bawah and bila sampai dekat miss V kau, kau tetiba rasa "woooooo"... hahahahahaha... nak terkencing mak.... Mama cerita, aku untung takyah minum cast tu... Time Papa dulu, dia kena minum... Memang nak muntah... Tapi aku dia cucuk... Legaaaaaa... Aku ni dah la kalau bab2 minum ni memang failed... So after dah settle semua CT scan tu, aku just have to wait the next day. The big operation day.